Not Now..

28th November 2015

“There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers


It was monday morning when I checked my bloody result on that damn website. I was convinced that it would not be as good as I expected before, and thus yeah I got bad result. By that time, I was so desperated since I really wanted to apply few scholarships for next year. I don’t know what planning that god has devised to me, but I am quite sure that it would be fascinating ( I hope). I had made huge efforts to learn “that”. I had spent an enormous money to take the course. I had sacrificed my time to prepare it. On the contrary, god does not allow me yet, to catch my goal. You know what I felt? I was so mad, stress, and confused all at once.

But hey, what can I do if Allah (you right I am a muslim) has arranged another way for me although I disagree or do not like at his plan at this moment? Maybe not now. Not now, Tia.

As explanations above, you may conclude that I was fail in an examination. It is true. Not fail, but I got not-really-well score. I know, it is my first time to take “the test”, so I have to learn it deeper. As many winners said that “ it is not about how hard you try, but how hard you fail and overcome that fail”. By this I mean, we must occasionally learn from our failure(of course) and the immutable winner is he/she who survive till him/her last effort. It is about HOW you cope your problem. HOW you learn more and more and more. well, this is obviously dramatic is’n it? People would be more dramatic when they are in my position. I have been waiting for a year to study in a country that I admire, to take postgraduate there. I told to my whole family about my plan, and they absolutely supported me, particularly my parent. They told to their siblings, neighbours and their friends about my plan. Until on the day I took the exam, I lost focus. There was something that annoyed my mind by that time. I was afraid to be fail. I did not want to see my parent disappointed faces if I did not get that “hell score”.

Well, it seems like childish If I complain to god why my life is not going well last year. There are so many major issues outside that need to address immediately. Humanity, war, gender issue, racism, natural disaster, those are world major issues that I don’t get any. How could I think my problem is so complicated comparison with those issues? How many people cannot sleep well because of nuclear warhead or missile? How many children cannot eat 3 times per day in poor countries? How many people don’t have a happy family or complete family? More importantly, how many people have failed to take the scholarship test, but they always try and try?  Shame on you, Tia.

To be honest, I do not fear to have a fail. But I am afraid when I see my parent being sad. Everybody does. For me, life is not about how we get much more money or how famous and intellectual we are. However, how we rise our life in the right way. How we influence others to do things better relate to education, health, religion,life, etc. How we are being “helper” to others who need us. It is like hypocritical is’n it? Yeah, I admit it. But we can do those things while we are reaching our goals. The key is balanced. How we make balanced between our goals and our compulsories, yin and yang.



In addition, I have learnt so much for this problem. God is the one that has the power to organize the whole thing in this universe. We just take it and do our best as much as we can do. “don’t worries about your life, Allah will guarantee that it will be magnificent if you keep struggle and praying”. I believe in Allah. I trust Allah, really. Therefore, I wiped off my tears, and come back stronger!

It is about the time, or destiny.


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