pause and sophrosyne

Quiet. A light wind blowing. The blue wave. Petrichor.
I pause the time, make it possible to remember what I want. What I look for. What I want to be. Pause again. Pause. How could I be so ambiguous and full of paradox?
I realized I‘ve lost my courage to pursue those good dreams. I hope this is just for temporary. I rewind the tape of my life to recall the old teen me. 2010-2015. I have goals, such a highly ambitious girl. I know what I want. I outlined the fool plans and stick to the strategies. I didn’t care of my personal life, even I took my God and parents for granted, ignored the ones who love me with unconditional support every step of the way.
Then a 2016 period successfully hit me between the eyes, leaving strong negative effects on my soul. I felt living in desolation. No madness, happiness, joyfulness, and passionate. In other words, no emotion. My dreams evaporated to the air. It was painfully creepy. As like as a robot which is able to help human, but no desire left inside its brain.

Until I finally found the primary reason of that situation was not my sequence of failures. Instead, my perspective on achievements themselves.

What accomplishments?
In my view are :
Having graduate degree abroad.
Being speaker and leader at bla bla projects.
Getting paid vacation to the popular tourism sites of the world or Indonesia.
Being full-time lecturer and conduct ambitious research using national budget.
Write a book, or actively blogging no matter how many the readers are.
Re-active my volunteering community.

Nothing happens yet, due to some ridiculous factors. I mean, I always focused on BIG THING. I underestimated the power of teaching, sharing and loving one another. I was apathetic. In my dumb opinion, in order to change something better, I should be someone, who has absolute authority. By this I enable to improve human resources somewhere, children and girls in particular. And it’s undoubtedly ashamed and hypocritical.

Indeed, diamond is formed under pressure, and it becames unbreakable. However, feeling empty with strict rules established by yourself and not paying attention to the world are disaster. We are living in the present, not future. We were created to enjoy the things, not worry the problems.
I believe, my past has led me to strongly grow. No regret so far. It’s okay. I’m ready to look for other opportunities.
Hence, I ignore the unfairness and inequality and also…keep knocking the doors.


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